26 June 2016

Honestly


Because, let's face it, if I was anything other than honest, I wouldn't be me, would I?

I love the pretty things in life just as much as you.  I am naturally a self-confident, glass-half-full kind of girl.  I see beauty in the little things.  I am inspired by creativity.  I love fiercely and life is a joy.

This isn't very easy to write, believe me.  Particularly because my blog is such a public arena.  Perhaps I'm doing this for myself.  Perhaps I'm hoping that if it helps just one of you, even the tiniest bit, then it's worth it.  I don't know.

You may have noticed that I've been AWOL for a while.  Depression got me.  Good and proper.  My defences were down and it crept in.  It sunk its claws deeper and deeper and wouldn't let go.

Without realising it, I went from struggling to self-destruction.

If you've not suffered from depression, it's quite hard to explain.  It's almost as if your own mind switches allegiance, sharpens its weapons, and starts attacking you from the inside.  And it happens very quickly.  Before long, you feel that there is no light, no optimism, no hope, no way out; just all-consuming helplessness and despair.  You are frightened and so very, very alone.  Someone can write a long list of all the good things in your life and you can read it and agree with it but you simply can't feel it.  You can see, in crystal clear definition, the effect you are having on those closest to you but, rather than inspiring you to fight, it makes you begin to believe that they would be better off without you.

However ... and this is SO important ... they wouldn't.  There is ALWAYS another way out.  I know because I've been here before.

The very first step is acknowledging the place you're in and seeking external help.  It's the toughest step but the biggest.  Medication is my help.  Luckily (and I use that word loosely!) for me, I've been on a low-level antidepressant since my last depression seven years ago, so an increased dosage has started working sooner than it normally would.  The medication doesn't solve any problems but it gives you a bloody good first foothold on to the climb to getting back into control.

The next few steps are tentative.  You've lost your confidence and are still fragile.  Slowly you start to feel your way back into the world again.

That, my friends, is where I am now.  Cautiously making my return.  I'm sure it won't take long but for now I'm treading carefully.  I know from experience that when I am back, I'll be stronger than before. "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" isn't just a cliche, it's true.  Experiencing the bad makes you appreciate just how precious the good is and your desire and drive for it only increases.

So, my dear friends, please bear with me a tiny bit longer?  I am so grateful for the kind and caring messages I've received.  Please know that, whilst I may not have responded, I genuinely appreciate every single one.

xxx

58 comments:

  1. Take your time, be kind to yourself and feel the love. You are so brave to face this head on again and do battle and still have time to share. This will help others, we don't discuss this often enough. Hope you mojo returns real soon lovely lady. xx

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  2. Look after yourself Heather. Sending big hugs, Kate xx

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  3. I am so sorry. Well done for realising this for what it is, and fighting it. I sincerely hope the medication helps you take the next steps to better-ness, I will keep you in my thoughts.

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  4. Dear Heather,
    as I'm again struggling with depression myself right now too I know exactly what you're going through. Take care and take all the time you need (and maybe a little more just to be safe).
    Sending you strength, hope, confidence, courage and love!
    Marjan
    xxx

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  5. Thank you for your honesty and making your struggle public. I so appreciate people such as yourself to share your experiences. It really helps to know I'm not alone. Many thanks and wishing you wellness and lovely times.

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  6. I'm there with you hon.
    I find acting as if becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and it seems to help me when all feels gloomy.
    Take care love and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
    Xxx

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  7. Thinking of you, sending lots of hugs and wishing you strength and light for the gloomy times. Look after yourself, keep that chin up and know that you will get through this. I know we only met for an hour or so, but if you ever need/want me to pop by please just shout xx

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  8. Take your time lovely,you've had a lot on recently ,enough to make the toughest of us quiver.Keep going and you will get there,we are all behind you.Sending huge hugs.xx

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  9. just a little note to say i'm thinking of you heather. Take each day, know people love you & look after yourself. You will get there. Sending lots of hugs xxxxx

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  10. Hi Heather, I've probably mentioned before that I am a fellow sufferer of depression, also on a lowish dosage of meds pretty much indefinitely. I'm so glad you posted because I've been really worried about you, I was hoping the lack of posts was just new shop excitement - I'm so sorry that it's more than that. Everything you've written really resonates with me, I know from experience that there isn't much that anyone can say that will help, because there's no rationalising with it, but please know that I am thinking of you, and sending lots of virtual healthful good wishes and hugs.
    Be kind to yourself,
    Jillxxxx

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  11. I totally get it, I am in much the same position with things ongoing. You are right, that which does not kill us does make us stronger, when we are then able to again we really appreciate the good things and we also push to keep going. So keep going keep doing and keep being and keep snuggling up with the yarn and know that we are here cheering and supporting you!!! We are also empathising because many of us know exactly what you mean! Massive hugs to you, lots of love too. Take care my dear! xxxx

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  12. Get well very very soon !!A big hug

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  13. Oh Sweet Girl... I have been there. I will start praying for you today and I won't stop.
    I mean that too. I will pray for you every single day. Keep taking your medication and just breathe. Take life one tiny step at a time because it can't be lived any faster any way.
    Take good care of yourself, precious one.
    We will be here... waiting and praying,
    With much love,
    Danette

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  14. Thank you Heather for posting this. It's hard to articulate what depression can be like, but you've done so perfectly. Do what you need to do for yourself so those who love you, want you and need you in their lives can enjoy your presence and you theirs. Be well xx

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  15. I am so sorry this has recurred as a fellow depressioneer I wouldn't wish it on the worst person. I'm glad you have your action plan in place if your interested excelatlife app (forget it says panic and anxiety) was a useful tool for me in my back pocket along with Oxford centre for mindfulness podcast. Take care and know when you feel like it I love your blog �� like hundred of others. Wishing you great mental health.

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  16. Be strong, you are much better than depression.
    Take care of yourself.
    Love,
    Ofelia

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  17. Thank you for sharing how you're feeling. I didn't know what anxiety was until I hit menopause (or it hit me!). Like you, I tried everything but the only thing to work is medication. Without that medication I would not have a life. I would be locked in a world that no one else is able to see. Well done you for taking the chance to find your life again xx

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  18. I had severe depression yeArs ago. Depression is inner tension, just like muscle tension can be physical tension. My advice; change your decree. Saying "I have depression" will attract more depression into your life. Taking a low dose anti depressant constantly is creating a decree daily that you are prone to depression. There is a time for depression, just as there is a time for joy. Stop the pattern of going back to depression by changing your decree today. Make your new decree something like, " I am love" or "I am joyful". You really are one thought away from living a joyous, abundant life. There is nothing to fear, you are a divine being and have nothing to fear. Behind every cloud the sun is shining.

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  19. Wishing you strength and peace as you journey back to optimum health...so enjoy your blog and I will be waiting for your return...

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  20. Sometimes the climb out of the chasm can be...challenging. Just remember, one step at a time, one day at a time. You got this! :)

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  21. hello, look at this..wish u peace. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPP2BCh_3Hs

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  22. Many prayers for your inner struggle, Heather. I wish for you peace and tranquility..

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  23. I totally understand. My prayers for your constant struggle. It's never over, just upward. Sometimes easy, mostly difficult. Please know that you are never alone.

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  24. Sending supportive and understanding thoughts to you. You have just shown huge strength by posting about your current status so you can feel proud. I know it feels all uphill but you are not alone and I (and I am sure others) will be looking in for when you are feeling ready to post again. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

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  25. I'm so very sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment. I hope things improve for you very soon, I'm sending you my very best wishes. Look after yourself. Hugs, CJ xx

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  26. For you, and for all those who read your blog - or who haven't, but have found themselves in that bleak place - I send my thoughts and best wishes. Don't put pressure on yourself by rushing, you will see a chink of light. Once you break through it, it might not seem that commendable to those who haven't been affected by that constant bleakness. But those of us who have been there know what a mammoth effort that takes, when you least feel up to anything at all xxx

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  27. Just take care of yourself one day at a time! We'll be here for you!

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  28. Sending huge buckets of love, a tonne of it to wrap itself around you. Love is everything, and I'm hurling it at you so hope you can feel it coming!!!!
    Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  29. I think this quote sums up my feelings - Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength. – Brigitte Nicole

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    1. I so totally agree with Debdor! I know where you are and in a similar place myself. It is nothing you have done wrong, it is NOT your fault, it is just where you are. It is OK. It is OK to be there, but it is better not to stay there. Forgive yourself and give yourself time. You have taken one giant step forward by writing this post. Thank you so much. From now on micro-steps are enough xx

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  30. Wishing you strength , from someone who has been there too! Wilhelmina

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  31. I have panic disorder which brings on depression. So my dearest you are not alone and my oldest daughter suffers from the same thing. And goes through it more so, I almost lost her. I only consume med when needed for the panic attacks. I try to stay focused and stay close to God which I believe helped through the first years of my strong strong panice and I also believe he subsided my panic. I still have it and the depression as well. But on a lower level. I try to surround myself with color and positive things and things I love, and make sure I get out and about because if I dont I will drown inside the house and never leave I even had to stop sitting on my couch because it pulled me in and down. So a lady from church helped me write a list of things to do when I'm stuck. And to avoid so I go to the kitchen in the morning and garden because thats where the sun is.. And I focus on this scripture from the bible Isaiah 41:10. Take your time coming back we aren't going anywhere. I enjoy your blog and crocheting. I have made your pillow which I love.. Thank you for sharing. I think it is so important for us women to share to help each other through. Sending love n hugs to you.. Find the sunshine in each day... And look to God for the rest. With love Janice

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  32. Pati from London28 June 2016 at 20:56

    Thinking of you Heather!! Be kind to yourself and take your time. You are a strong lady and you can do it- put your finger up to depression!!
    Sending you virtual hugs from London my darling.
    Pati xx

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  33. I suffer from moderate/severe depression and a mood disorder, and you have described the bleakness so perfectly. I can suddenly feel like I have died on the inside. I was recently attacked on social media for how that person perceived me to have voted on the EU referendum, and the person that did this will probably never know or understand the devastating effect their cruel and uncalled for words have had on my fragile and sensitive mind. Take all the time you need. I have learned this past week that although I have my online community, whenever I close my laptop my family are there in real-time with warm and loving hugs. Look after yourself and your family, and the rest will fall in to place. I wish you the best of luck, I really do xx

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  34. Im sure your new venture into the business world will be so inspiring for you and lift your spirits so much. The crafty world seems to be able to do that each and every time.

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  35. I send you all my good thoughts and feelings...

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  36. Wishing you ease of mind and peace in your heart xxx

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  37. Is depression the illness - or is it a healing and protection from greater damage coming from what does ail us? (it probably doesn't feel that way though.) I think that it makes sense that when we are tired and weary from the world and it's troubles and our woes that we retreat and withdraw. Time spent softly in healing and gently repairing ourselves, is not time wasted but of benefit and purposefulness. Retreat is a solution, a chance to recuperate and regroup our inner resources.

    Modern life pushes people further than many of us feel we want to go. Even things that sound good to other people might seem full of burdens we feel we can't or don't want to carry right now. Responsibilities can just be more than we are happy with dealing with, especially when they pile up. So the 'perfect' and lovely family that we know we are lucky to have can worry us, and 'incredible' jobs keep us awake at night. Overload happens and then we react to it. We can try to carry on, which might work for a bit or we can go to our quiet place for a while.

    Quiet times are healing for the soul. When you are ready you will feel better. I hope that is very soon. Best wishes to you xx

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  38. God Bless you friend, you are awsome.
    Blessings Gail.

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  39. Blessings from an admirer and fellow sufferer.

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  40. Depression is awful - glad to hear you are on the mend! I hope to visit your shop at some point 😀 Get well soon xx

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  41. I'm so glad to hear that there's something you are able to take to help you through this. I'm happy for you that you have your beautiful new shop to focus on - I had a shop for several years and I can honestly say it helped me get thru some very dark times in my life. Prayers and blessings.
    PS - The photos of your shop are fabulous - you did a great job decorating and merchandising your product.

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  42. ♥ ♥ sending you loads of love! I know these feelings all too well, oh how I wish I didn't and I wish no one ever did! I'm happy to hear you are coming out the other side now :)

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  43. I have never suffered from depression but your honest blog was really clear in explaining how it has affected you. I know people who suffer with depression but they have never articulated, as clearly as this, how they feel. Thank you for being so honest. Do what you need to do to get back to a healthy state of mind, it's clear that lots and lots of people are with you and wish you well (including me) xx

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  44. Please - please - look after yourself. You did a good thing by talking about it, don't let it beat you. X

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  45. Thank you Heather for posting this. You are not alone, a lot of people follow you with joy. I hope you will overcome this moment quickly.

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  46. Hi Heather, just a little message to say hope you are starting to feel better. Miss you on IG and your blog. Sending a little cuddle in a message xxxx

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  47. Hello Heather, as someone knowing your situation from inside I send you all the best wishes for a recovery. Be sure that we stay with you and wait for your happy return. Take your time, feel loved and understood, and get well again.
    Michaela

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  48. Sending you very best wishes Heather xxx

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  49. Hello Heather, thinking of you and hope you are ok xx

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  50. Telling 'it' to sod off and do one sadly doesn't work. Trust me I've tried! Be kind to yourself. It's part of you.... Part of what makes you you. I'm glad you can see the light..... Long may it continue. It's a lovely feeling !! Xx

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  51. Heather, you have described it SO well. I hope non-sufferers who read this will now have some understanding of what it's like. I've been on a low-dose antidepressant for a long time now, and I've just taken the first steps to finally wean off. I feel like I'm about to start walking a tightrope without my safety net. I want to see if I CAN but it is scary.

    Thank you for being so honest. So many of us hide our depression, feeling a stigma, but this is wrong. We SHOULD speak out. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of and the more we speak out, the more people would understand and accept instead of judge.

    I hope you are doing well. Be kind to yourself, be gentle on yourself.

    Debbie

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  52. I'm glad that you are at that point that you know that you have to find help, that is indeed so important. I know how you are feeling. I got to this point very many years ago after my first child was born, he is now 32. But I still can feel the feeling that I had at that time. Keep strong, I will think of you.

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  53. Depression, for me, is a numbing of all of the good emotions.....love, affection, happiness, contentment, joy, delight, curiosity, wonder, excitement.....until all that's left is a bleak, barren wasteland where my life used to be. I deal with the ugly, little whispering voices that live in the dark, shadowy corners of my mind even at the best of times. But depression is a whale that swallows me whole and, in the belly of the beast, the ugly little voices become a screeching, booming cacophony and they are all I can hear. I can remember love and joy.....but I can't feel them. I remember light and beauty.....but can't see them. I remember warmth and comfort.....but can't feel them. So, I crouch down, clutch those memories of all the good things close to my heart and head.....and move through my days acting as though I don't feel dead inside. Eventually, the whale spits me back out.

    When I'm in a depressive episode, I try to spend a lot of time outside. Nature is a wonderful doctor. I also crochet something simple and that requires counting when I'm depressed. For some reason the act of counting as I do something with my hands, seems to reduce the volume of the ugly little voices in my head.

    I wish you well, with hopes that the beast will spit you out soon.

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  54. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time, but you already know that eh? �� Depression sucks. I'm sure everyone who reads your blog, like me, will be here waiting on you however long it takes you to get your rhythm back. ��

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  55. Just sending you some love. I have struggled with depression most of my life I think, but particularly since the birth of my first child. It's just something we live with and grow with. All the best to you making your way back to balance x

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