29 September 2017

Under The Walnut Tree


I've been seeing a counsellor for the last few months.  She knows about my blog and that I've been wanting to return to it for a little while.  She also knows that I've not been quite sure how.  Is it actually as simple as cropping back up with prettily-staged pictures and woolly waffle; making no mention of what's happened in the last seventeen months?  Can I honestly do that?

She doesn't ever tell me what to do.  Instead, she cleverly steers me to answer my own questions and make my own decisions.  So I have.

* * *

Exactly two weeks after I opened my little pink shop doors to the public, D, my husband of 18 years and my lover of 23, told me that he was having an affair.  An affair with a very ordinary woman twenty years his junior, with whom he'd worked for eight years and never previously given a second glance.  An affair that he said had been going on for six weeks.  Right there, in that single moment, it felt like the bottom fell out of my world.  When I asked him "why?" all he could say was "I don't know".  He described it as being something he felt he "just needed to do".

I'm not naive.  I'm fully aware that people fall in and out of love.  I think if he had told me that he simply didn't love me anymore, I could have accepted it far sooner.  But he didn't.  He did the opposite.  He told me that I was and would always be the love of his life and he promised that we would be stronger as a result.  For now though, he needed some time to "see this through".

The wonderful, kind and proud man that I had shared my life with for so long seemed to have metamorphosised, almost overnight, into the complete opposite of his former self.  He was hard, selfish and cruel.

He never actually moved with us to the four-bedroomed house that we had chosen and rented together as a family.  Instead, he moved in to his girlfriend's ready-made home across town.  Temporarily, he said.

At that stage, he didn't want to let me go and we carried on having a relationship.  An 'affair' I suppose.  We snatched moments together when we could.  We constantly messaged each other, spent nights in hotels, even went on holiday to Spain together.  After each rendezvous, he would drop me and my broken heart at my front door and drive back home to her.  How surreal is that?  A husband and wife having an affair behind his girlfriend's back.  Our children knew.  Both our families knew.  My friends knew.  But his girlfriend didn't.

When I tried to talk to him about what he was doing, questioned him or got upset, he would get extremely angry with me.  I couldn't understand why, when he said he loved me, he was hurting me so much.  He couldn't understand why I was so hurt.

Reading this back, I'm struck by how utterly mad it sounds.  I was being devoured by depression, anxiety and grief, and couldn't think straight.  All I knew was that the emotional highs I experienced when we were together seemed to make the pain just about bearable.  I so wanted my children to know that you didn't give up on a marriage.  You did whatever you had to, to make it better again.

I knew it was all wrong though.  My desperate search for some sort of explanation led me to this website and this one.  They're about the midlife crisis.  Suddenly, right there in front of me in black and white, written by strangers on the other side of the world, seemed to be a script that my husband was following to the letter, without even realising it.  It's up to you whether you follow the link or not.  All I will say is that both sites, and various others, have given me a lot of comfort.  They have made sense out of something completely and utterly nonsensical.

Our physical relationship ended on 15th October last year.  I went off the rails and had a breakdown.  I couldn't take anymore.  Christmas and the beginning of this year were also particularly low points.  My husband and his girlfriend proudly announced their new relationship on Facebook which is why I had to withdraw from social media.

I had tried throwing myself into the running of my shop but I just couldn't do it.  As I said in my last post, I could no longer sustain it either emotionally or financially.  Starting a new business when you have been a stay at home mum for 17 years and you have the support of your husband is hard.  Starting a new business when you are suddenly very alone and fighting to just get through each day is impossible.

* * *

I have finally manage to detach myself from the journey my husband is still on.  I'm now concentrating on my own.  And my children's.  I have no idea what he has told those friends and family members who have either chosen to turn their backs on us or simply not ever reached out.  All I do know is that people who are suffering from a deep midlife crisis rewrite history to justify their actions.  I don't think it's malice.  I think it's fear and desperation and a form of deflection.  I think they are suffering every bit as much as those they are hurting.

However, when you have shared your life with someone for almost a quarter of a century and they suddenly walk away in such a public and painful way, aside from the hurt, it's quite the most confusing, terrifying and lonely feeling.  You question your past.  Your present is broken.  Your future stretches bleakly ahead and there is no safety, no support, no structure.  It's frightening.

I barely see my husband or communicate with him now.  I think he holds me responsible for all that is wrong with his life.  He still sees the children from time to time.  I have begun divorce proceedings because I've had to.  It's like starting all over again.

* * *

Five months ago we had to move again, the children and I.  This time to a rented two-bedroomed victorian terraced house.  It's small, cosy and slightly quirky.  I think you'd like it.  I've made it as colourful and pretty as I can.  There's no room for clutter but frankly that's not a bad thing.

The garden is narrow and home to a huge walnut tree.  Sitting in the dappled light underneath with my thoughts and a cup of tea, while the squirrels play and gorge above me, is one of my favourite spots.  Another is my bedroom.  It's airy and white with a high ceiling, painted floorboards and an ill-fitting french blue door.  Both places are where I feel the most calm.

I have a part-time job which I'm enjoying.  Will you smile when I tell you it is at Cath Kidston?

Today, I officially end ownership of my shop.  I'm to return the keys tomorrow.  I couldn't face going in for a long time.  The second I stepped over the threshold, I would get a tremendous pressure in my chest, start shaking and struggle to breathe.  It has eventually become easier.  Necessity has overridden emotion.  The end of September was the soonest I was able to extricate myself from the lease.  I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I've been having to pay the rent, insurance and utilities every month which has taken every last penny I had, and more.

I have listed most of my yarn in my Etsy shop, here.  I'll list the rest as soon as I can. My love for all things yarny remains.  It has, however, taken a bit of a back seat.  I have barely crocheted or knitted in six months.  I know the desire is slowly returning.  I can feel my fingers beginning to itch.

I still have the occasional difficult moment when everything feels a bit all-consuming but I'm starting to move forwards again with hope in my heart.  Hope for a bright future after all.  Hope that, one day, I will find love again.  I'm not a solitary type, I want to share my life with someone special.  I have been blessed with a lot of support from a handful of people in particular.  I am also so incredibly grateful for the unconditional love of my children who have had to witness my distress while dealing with their own.

* * *

It's been very hard to write this post.  It's been borne, not from an unstable need to 'air my dirty linen in public', but from a desire to return to blogging again.  When I first started my blog nearly eight years ago, I made myself a promise that I would always be honest and true.  With myself and with anyone who chooses to read it.  I have never broken that promise.  Life isn't all prettiness and colour.  Life can be shit.  We all know it and we all have different ways of dealing with it.  Rightly or wrongly, my way is not to hide it or hide away from it.  Mine is to openly acknowledge it when I feel able to and face it.  That is my choice and my right.

I have faced it and should really like to move on now.  Because I have to.  To prettily-staged pictures and woolly waffle, perhaps.

If you'll have me of course?  How have you been?  I've missed you.

xxx

Please know that both of my children read and approved this post before I pressed 'publish'.

92 comments:

  1. Such a brave post to write, I hope as time passes that your knitting and crochet loves will return to you and wrap you in yarny goodness. I'm glad that you have people in your life who care for you and support you so well

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  2. Holy crap what a rollercoaster! Welcome back, you have been missed. So sorry to hear about all the strife you have had but I love your final paragraph, so pragmatic. You are a very special woman and mum and I wish you all the best for your future endeavours and can't wait to hear about them. Sending you a virtual hug x

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  3. I'm here and I'm listening. You are not alone. Stay strong. Julie

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  4. This is my story 10 years ago. My heart go's out to you. Time heals.....Big hug, Wendy (the Netherlands)

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  5. Oh Heather, how terribly brave you are. I think your honesty is admirable and I sincerely hope sharing your story here helps you to move on a little further.
    I have missed your posts and do hope you will be around in blogland regularly...or whenever it suits you.
    Welcome back.
    Big Hugs
    Jacquie xxx

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  6. So glad to see that you are back-have often wondered how you were doing and looked for postings from you. What a brave lady to explain what has gone on with your life and how you have dealt with it. I wish you the very best as your life moves forward. Stay strong X

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  7. Thank you for writing and telling us what has been an awful and horrid explore you and your children. I think you are very brave and it sounds to me that you are slowly getting it all sorted. I'm so pleased and honored that you have felt able to share your experience and I would just like to say welcome back. Blog when you feel like writing, don't worry if there is long stretches of time in between we will be always here waiting for you. Thank you once again and I'm so happy to see you on here. Love Marion xxx

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  8. A very sincere 'welcome back'! Only a day or two ago I was wondering how you are, hoping things were well with you, wishing for good news. You've answered! You must have felt all the good wishes. So sorry to read of your tough times - I believe it's best to take the time to progress at your own speed, as you can. Doing great. Much love and positive vibrations are sent to you. Thanks for posting!!! Lesley

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  9. I'm so glad to see you back. Brave beautiful person. There is life after betrayal. After those dark days you discover how much you want to embrace life and the beauty that you can create. I wish you very happiness. B xx

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  10. Hello you! How lovely to hear from you. I am sorry that you have had such a rough time, but pleased you are making your way back, a different way, your way. I have thought of you often and wondered how you were. It's a nice picture, sitting under your walnut tree, lovely. So, welcome back and I pray that your path will be positive for you now, that you will continue to heal and you will be able to look forward and smile. 😊❤️ xx

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  11. You've been through so much. The positive thing is you've come through the other side, albeit a little (a lot) broken but you're still here fighting your way through. I read your post with a tear in my eye. I'm a anxiety/depression sufferer/survivor and although I can't begin to imagine what you've been through I do know what it feels like to hit rock bottom.
    I'm so so happy to see you back here. Sending much love xxxx

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  12. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. We all have been there at some point in our lives. It hit you hard, but you are moving on and looking at the future. That is the most healthy thing to do. You can be very proud of that !!! Happy to have you back. I love your way of writing. Please keep doing this, for yourself, for me and for all the others that enjoy your posts. When I ligt the candles this evening, one will be especially for you, sending you lots of possitive light !

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  13. Yes, as you know, sometimes life just sucks. Your post is so strong and brave and true. I believe it's only by sharing what we've learned that we all make it through life. We learn from one another, we help one another. We pass it on. I know that your honesty and courage in this post are going to help another person...today? tomorrow? When it's needed, it will be here. This generosity is what gives women our strength.

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  14. I have followed your blog for a long time and never made a comment but today, reading your words, I just felt I had to say something. You are strong and brave. You very nearly broke but you are here and going forward. One day at a time my lovely.

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  15. Dear Heather, I can only second what everyone else in the comments has already said - you are one brave and very strong woman and don't let anyone, ever tell you otherwise. He has lost something very special and, one day, he will realise that. And history tells us, there is a good chance he will do it again, so you are far better off on your own with the children. Not easy I know but it will get better and time does heal. The crochet & knitting will help - who knows there may be another shop out there for you in the future, till then I am sending you a huge hug from here in Warwickshire and lots of love, Ellen xx

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  16. So pleased you are back Heather, I have missed your posts and lovely photos.I do understand how you feel, you have described almost exactly the same thing that happens in my life some time ago. Utterly devastating. However, please be assured that you have a wonderful life ahead of you.Your life will be different to before, but it will be happy with lots of new friends, opportunities and adventures that you would not have had had you continued with your 'old' life.You are stronger than you think.Be kind to yourself. Big hugs xxxπŸŒΈπŸ’—o

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  17. I'm glad you are back. You are so brave to tell your story and I wish you all the best for the future.

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  18. You have been so missed Heather, very very much. I had to laugh a little when I saw you'd posted yesterday - I wondered if your ears had been burning as you were the subject of discussion (LittleGreenCupboard and I, quietly at Coopers you understand) - we both agreed we missed you really rather badly.
    Blogging can be a very cathartic, therapeutic vehicle, so I hope you'll be able to use this space not to waffle and fluff and gloss over, but to share with us the little itty bity things that are making you happy. Life's small but all important pleasures, they are so valuable especially in the midst of all the cr*p. Well you know where I am, should you need a little northern vaycay at any time!!! I am beyond happy to have you back here, I hope it gives you comfort to know how well you are thought of and how very much you've been missed. All the love!!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  19. YES! it is lovely to see you writing :)

    Kath, GLasgow

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  20. Glad you're back! Been thinking of you a lot, wondering whether you were okay.
    Big hug!

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  21. Welcome home to those who will never judge; who appreciate your honesty; who cry when you hurt and rejoice with every step that makes you shine with joy. Even when you think you don't, know; you've got this! And us. ❤❤

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  22. Welcome back! You have been put through the wringer. Have missed you. Support, love and hugs to you always. We are here for you! Sending virtual hugs!

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  23. First of all, it's so lovely to have you back in blogland again. I have missed your yarny chat and lovely patterns! You have been so wonderfully open and honest about what has been happening to you and this shows great strength and courage.
    Tough things happen in life and things change, but really good things can come out of these changes too. You will see new doors starting to open for you. I love how this posting has brought so many followers here to encourage you in your next steps. Welcome back! x

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  24. So many people here have missed and worried about you. I hope that you can take some comfort from that. It is lovely to have you back, and I sincerely wish you a brighter, happier future with your children XXX

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  25. I follow many blogs online but have never commented before but felt compelled to do so now. I'm so sorry that you have had such a rubbish time and that the person who should have been your greatest champion has let you down so badly. I know that I don't know you but when I used to read your blog I always felt that you were a person I could share a coffe break with and have a bit of a giggle with about life in general. I hope that things continue to improve for you. Very best wishes Rachael x

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  26. I so admire your strength. I can't imagine all you're going through. Be happy! You deserve it and you are finding your way back!

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  27. Oh bless your heart. Welcome back x x

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  28. Ah, it's good to see you are back, I always enjoyed reading your blog and looking at your beautiful photographs. I was sorry to read about the rubbish time you have been having, I wish you strength for what is to come and much happiness in the future xxx

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  29. People do not know, they do not understand and they feel it will never happen to them. Betrayal and end of a marriage which was also a friendship is a huge bereavement. It can be worse than death because along with the loss of the person, it seems everything we held dear to us is also lost. Everything you thought you were so sure of, seems like it was based on lies, so you don't even get to have and keep the happy memories intact, you question everything - all is seen through a veil of distortion. Our very identity is threatened. Trying to find stability on such shifting sands is so hard. It is a struggle to see a way through but the light is there to help you reach the place where you will be happy again. It really will be ok and you will find that the healing you hoped for is strong and true.

    You seem to be doing very well, I understand the dating your own husband bit, been there and done that. Why wouldn't you try to keep hold of what is important to you, to try and change the future back into the past? It is an act of cruelty from the one who left though, trying to manipulate the situation and to have it all. It makes things so much worse ultimately and I remember feeling so powerless until I stopped. Your vision for your future seems to be a wise and positive one, you are doing very well so early on. Watch out for hurt in future relationships, you are worthy of anyone and have no need to be grateful for their attentions just because of the actions of a selfish and silly person.

    Moving on from situations (which have similarities but which are not the same), came easiest to me when I stopped trying to understand it all, (which took me much futile and wasted time) and instead realised that while I had lots of pieces of the puzzle some of them were never going to show up but that was no reason to stay in limbo with my life. Husbands do leave for the ordinary, who knows why? It doesn't mean you should dim your own star but rather allow the space for yours to shine even brighter. You seem to have taken the helm of your own destiny and put it firmly back in your own hands, you have made so much progress already. You may not feel it, but you really are showing strength and being resilient. You are okay.

    Wishing you happy and peaceful days ahead. Hoping you are enjoying your new job (which sounds a good one!)

    Madeleine

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  30. Gosh, what a time you've had of it. Welcome back. xxx

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  31. You are one strong, brave lady!!!!!! It is so great to see you back in blogland. I have missed seeing your posts.

    Love Jane

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  32. So glad you have felt able to return to blogging. You have gone through the most awful time. Sending you virtual support and hugs

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  33. What an incredibly honest and brave post. I can assure you that that no one in their right mind would think badly of you for writing such a post, it's a breath of fresh air to have someone be so open and honest when it would have probably been a lot easier to have just appeared back on the blog having said you'd had a break from it and no more. I always enjoyed reading your posts and I for one am very glad that you're back. I'm looking forward to more 'prettily-staged pictures' and woolly waffle.

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  34. You're amazing and so strong. I was looking for your blog the other day, funnily enough, to see if you had started up again so welcome back. I have never commented on your blog before but I just want to wish you the best of everything xx

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  35. You have been missed. You go ahead and write about whatever you feel like....yarny goodness, heartache, disappointments, the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the walnut tree. You've survived the storm. I hope you go out now and dance in the rain.

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  36. Hiding your story deprives you of much needed support, both in real life and emotional support from online friends.
    My heart shoes out to you and the kiddos.
    Come and go from your gorgeous blog as often as you need, it's bought you and us much happiness to read over the years why take that pleasure away.
    I'm sad your husband has hurt you so deeply, I see a selfish person who wanted everything and NOTHING at the same time.
    You're right necessity drives us forwards, we literally are stronger than we realise.
    I'm waffling but take this massive virtual hug, it's big enough to reach to your kiddos as well.
    Much love
    Nicky
    x

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  37. Hello Heather, so pleased to hear from you. And so sorry you have had such an utterly terrible time. I have missed you and send you a big hug. Xx

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  38. What a brave lady you are. I hope life carries on improving got you and your children. X

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  39. Heather,
    You were wise to bare your feelings to the world...whom loves you for what YOU are! I'm so sorry this happened to you and now--you must let him go and not come back unless it is completely in your heart and on your terms, to do so!!! Counseling really helps, so keep it up if you need to!! My heart goes out to you and your children. Starting "new" is difficult and takes one day at a time. Love yourself, and love your children! THAT is what is most important to you now! Forgive yourself for little things that you "think" may have caused your husband to leave. Honestly, he is TOTALLY responsible for his own life now and you should not allow him to hurt you or your children ever again! Take one day at a time. The winter is coming, but so is the Spring! Forget your fears and go forward, one step at a time. You are STRONGER NOW! You deserve to be treated with love and respect! And your children do too! May God hold you in his hands and guide you step by step to a new "self" that will become more kind, loving, trusting, and strong--for you and your precious children!
    Sincerely,
    Debra in the USA

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  40. Yes, you have been missed. And yes, you are most welcome back. You are a truly brave and strong woman and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Welcome back with prayers and love.

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  41. Very brave and honest post - no 'airing of dirty laundry', you've simply stated the facts about what's been happening in your life in a mature, pragmatic way. In fact you sound incredibly understanding about a situation that clearly hasn't been easy to understand or make sense of.

    Your new home sounds beautiful and cosy, I hope it brings you happiness and I'm sure those itchy fingers will soon have it filled with crocheted and knitted loveliness.

    I'll be adding your Etsy shop to my favourites ;-)

    Take care of yourself xx

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  42. Wow. I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through. I'm glad you are committed to moving forward. Good to read your blog again. God bless!

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  43. This has been such a difficult time... I had wondered what tragedy had struck when you made the decision to close your shop. It does sound surreal. My friend and her four teenage children went through the same experience, it was utterly devastating to the children and their mother, it did not end well. I think you will be okay, you sound like you have made the choices you needed to make for yourself and the children. I salute you for your braveness. I love that you are working at Kath Kidston. A silver lining perhaps? I think you will go on to have a successful life and career... you are honest and have integrity. I am positive it will all work out well for you. Oh and btw we have missed you and your postings, yours is a beautiful blog and I hope you are able to continue with it. Very best wishes.

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  44. Heather, was thinking of you only a few days ago ..... it's so good to hear from you again. Am so sorry for all you have been through. You are one strong, brave lady. I pray God will be with you as you look forward to a brighter, happier future. I so look forward to your new posts as I did with the previous ones. Many blessings, Christine

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  45. Welcome back!! You and your children are so much stronger today than yesterday! Wishing you all the best!oxoxoxo

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  46. So lovely to have you back. My heart goes out to you. I do hope you find this space a place to share - we're listening. Look after yourself. Big hugs xx

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  47. It's so lovely to hear from you again although the subject matter of your post must have been extremely hard to share. You have nothing but admiration from me that you are able to begin to embrace life again, a new life that you are making with your children in your way. Please take very good care of yourself and know there are many people, including myself, who will be thinking of you in the journey ahead. Anne xx

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  48. That can't have been easy to write. Thankyou. Wishing you love and happiness. Jane xx

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  49. What a stunningly honest post. You have been truly missed. Welcome home πŸ’•

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  50. Dear sweet, lovely Heather. Oh I have tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry for the pain you have been through. For some reason you have popped into my head so many times over the last week. I am sending you so much love as you make this new life for yourself. I hope you are treating yourself extra kindly and giving yourself lots of grace. I am so happy to see this update from you and to know you are well but so sad for all you've been put through. Wish I could come and drink tea with you and hold your hand and give you hugs. xo, Jen

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  51. Welcome home! Say no more, get back to being you - you are a big brave girl - and we are proud of you. Lots of love xxx

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  52. Dearest Heather, we were always going to be here waiting for you. Welcome back! It must have been very difficult for you to write this post but hopefully it will help your journey. Sending lots of love, Jille xx

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  53. I'm right here, girlfriend. Not going anywhere.

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  54. Sometime life really does just go to shit...but you are still here, and so are we, both of those are good things. :) Glad to see you and sending many hugs your way..one day at a time.

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  55. Dear girl! I was so glad to see you back on your blog and so sorry for what you have had to go through. I am 62 and 20 years ago my husband went through a "midlife crisis" too and I know how painful it is. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and you and your children will come through it all just fine. Hugs, Cindy

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  56. Welcome back. Wishing you all the best.

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  57. This happened to me 13 years ago so I can totally identify with your description of a husband who turned overnight from being loving and supportive to cold and cruel. We did get divorced and it was difficult at times - I had three children who were all under 7 - but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life really is sweet when you have your children, your health and your crafting! As a friend said to me, "love many, trust a few, always paddle your own canoe!!" You can do it!

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  58. 18 years ago something along the same lines happened to me, only I was married to him for 13 years. Same feelings as you. Devastation. It takes a long time to come back from that. But you will. And karma ALWAYS happens. Huge hugs.

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  59. Hi i'm glad you are back with us we have missed you i hope you will find happiness again i'm sure you will you sound like a strong lady to me .

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  60. What a wonderful brave lady you are! I came across your previous post by accident and had wondered how you were. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles but glad that you are picking up your blog again. I will be following you from now on, sending you hugs and wishing you well. xx

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  61. What a cruel ba****d! His loss. He'll wake-up one day all alone and realise what a mess he has made of his life and you will have moved on and are happy. Get the divorce done and get what you are entitled to and deserve. You are very brave and as they say "what can't break you only makes you stronger". You are now coming out to the other side and well done. Look to the future and get going on all your yarny projects. Start up a Knit and Natter in your Cath Kidston store may be? I think they used to/still do that sort of thing in their stores. Anyway - so glad you are back and have missed you. Be happy x

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  62. I'm so pleased to see you back,here where you belong with all your friends.My heart is full for you and the children Heather.How brave you are,and,you've come through the worst still standing.From now forward you will continue to grow.Much love and hugs.xx

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  63. I came back here expecting to read your last post again and scroll through some of my favourites, and here I find something new, and something brave. Your measured honesty is so appreciated and in line with your blog, as is making your decision for yourself. Well done, and welcome back. I'm so pleased. I wish you strength and good times under the walnut tree.

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  64. Welcome back, brave lady! I agree with everything that has already been said but wanted to let you know that you have another reader wishing you and your children well.

    I do hope that the wonderful support I have read on here can give you strength and help you to rebuild your confidence.

    I have missed your lovely blog but you must do what is best for you xxx

    Sending virtual hugs, even though you don'y know me.
    Debbie
    Essex

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  65. I am so glad you're back and so sorry for what's been happening. It takes a lot of courage to share your personal life with all of your readers. I'm pulling for you, praying for you and lifting you up. Hugs...

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  66. Congratulations on getting through the most terrible time. You most likely will still have bad days, (I do), but they will get further and further apart and less painful. But remember, not only do you have the support of your family, who sound amazing, but the support of every one of us who read your blog. I wish you all the luck in the world for your future, and hopefully a love that will heal your wounds. xxx Sue.

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  67. Oh H! I'm so so glad to see you back here! I've been thinking of you often and like Lucy said, your ears must be burning because we were just saying how much we missed your blog the other day. I'm so sorry for all the truely horrendous crap that has come your way, both for you and your lovely children. I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel for you now though my lovely, you wonderful, amazing thing!

    S x

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  68. Awe sweet beautiful H. I'm so sorry for you and the kids having to go through this. I'm glad you are starting to heal. We have all so missed you and your blog, not just for the pretty, but for your lovely honesty about life. Yeap, life can be utterly shit at times, I think we can all concur with that. Take HUGE comfort in knowing what strength you have had in getting through it. Just be gentle with yourself, and know that there are a huge amount of people in blogland that are here to prop you up on days should you need it. Take care my friend, Vanessa xxx(Coco Rose)

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  69. Looking forward to prettily staged photos and yarny waffle.
    You are so brave...sending you big hugs xx

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  70. Welcome back Heather, we've missed you!

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  71. May God bless you and your babies with healing love and always hope. X o

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  72. It's good to 'see' you again. I did indeed smile when I read you were in Cath Kidston. I'm sorry you've all had such a horrible time. Sending hugs

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  73. What a post. Such sentiments which are both painful and beautiful at the same time. I hope you find solace in what sounds like your lovely new home and you children. You'll some day start knitting and crocheting again and it will bring you pleasure. Good luck with whatever you do.

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  74. So glad to see you back! I've been checking and checking again for a new post, something from you, during the past few months. Why? Because your work, your blog, your colours have been such an inspiration for me. I now have an Etsy shop of my own (Nuthatch Created), where between others I do cross-stitch on crochet. See?! ☺️ I am so sorry you had to go through what you had to... I do understand why you had to retreat for a while. Welcome back though! I hope all these comments here will give you a reason to smile. Doesn't make up for all the pain, but it can give you a glimpse of the love that still exists out there, a love that is directed your way. ��

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  75. Oh Heather, I have thought about you and wondered how you were. I am so sorry you have been through and are still going through this. Your post is amazingly honest and brave and beautifully written. Welcome back lovely. There are many virtual squeezes, kisses and so much love coming your way from me. See you again soon, Lucy πŸ’•

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  76. Heather, we've never met, I've mentioned several times that I too am a depression sufferer, but what a lot of utter shit you've had to deal with. I've thought of you a lot since you stopped blogging. Wondering how you were. (Hope that doesn't sound too stalkerish). Can't imagine what you've been through but you sound much stronger than I would be under those circumstances. I really hope you're doing ok and are able to start living again. Much love, Jillxxx

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  77. I was so excited when I saw that you had a new post- had really loved your blog and missed being able to turn to it in the crazy world
    we are now living in in the U.S.
    As a therapist myself, I am so glad that you are taking good care of yourself now in the ways you describe. I have seen
    this same trauma happen to really good, loving people I work with.
    Speaking your truth out loud is so very powerful.
    I send you all best wishes for continued healing.
    And if you feel like posting, know that your words and pictures are lovely and helpful to all of us who follow you!

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  78. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and I hope you and the children are finding happiness again. You've been missed and it will be lovely to have you back here. Xx

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  79. You are a beautiful person and deserve only the best things in life.

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  80. Oh Heather, your post brought tears to my eyes. I went through something similar quite a few years ago, and what you described sort of brought it back. My life is now very much transformed and I know that will happen for you to. It's so lovely to have you back, I have missed your prettily staged pictures and woolly waffle xx

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  81. First of all I'm so glad you are back in blogland and I look forward to many more musings! Secondly your post made me cry because the timescale and situation almost mirrored mine. You so eloquently put into words my own thoughts . I have moved on and am looking forward to a fresh start and I so hope that you get there as well. Good luck x

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  82. Welcome back dear Heather! So so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I hope that now you will find the peace and happiness in your life again which you so deserve. xxx

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  83. We will most definitely have you back. Wishing you brighter days and a lighter heart. Sending lots of love. Welcome back. Dirty laundry and all :)

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  84. Dear Heather. How brave you are. Please know you are not alone. Well done on stepping up with courage to return to a very safe place.

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  85. You are very brave all the very best to you..you deserve the best and Im so jealous you work at Cath Kidston...xx

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  86. OMG.I have only just seen this post.It has brought tears to my eyes.Very well written,with dignity if I might say that.Wishing only much Happiness in the future for you and your family.I will look out for your next post and maybe some hooky.Masshooosive Huggles.xxxxx

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  87. I am so glad you are back, and shared your situation -- very sad, but you are doing all the right things and will emerge stronger and happier. As Elizabeth Zimmerman famously said, ""Knit on with confidence and hope, through all crises." Or crochet on, or doodle on, or whatever brings you some joy. And yes, I did smile at "Cath Kidston!"

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  88. So lovely to have you back, you brave,brave lady. So sad to hear what has happened, you are getting through this though - so hang on to the little pleasures each day brings and store these treasures for you and your family to find some sort of contentment.

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  89. Well done you.... Ever listened to that song 'A little time' by the Beautiful South? Thats what came into my head when I was reading about your EX. I and my two children have been in the same tunnel and we all came out of the other side. No regrets, no going back only forward, find the most amazing adventures in your new life. This is for a reason, you did not expect this to happen and did not want it, but it is all mapped out for you, now go forward. Firstly how please I am to see you back on your blog. x Sue from the UK

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  90. You beautiful brave lady...you have been missed. Wishing you all the strength and courage you need to move on with the next stage of your life. Em xx

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