7 October 2010

Poo Cake

Lend me your ear and I'll sing you the song of a mummy trying to bake her daughter a birthday cake!!!

The scene was set; the radio was humming quietly in the background, Nigella's recipe was laid flat on the table with it's reassuring 'easy peasy lemon squeezy' instructions and all the ingredients were present and correct - I was frankly the picture of domestic bliss.

Well I won't bore you with the details suffice to say the first attempt resembled a pancake. Couldn't get it off the base of the baking tin either!  Seriously, somebody ought to consider building houses with my cakes!

Not one to give up easily, I considered my options and decided that I'd make chocolate birthday muffins instead.  I couldn't bring myself to make another cake so, yes, muffins would do nicely.  I hotfooted it to Asda and purchased a silicone muffin tray which PROMISED that the cakes wouldn't stick once cooked and cooled.  (I have yet to decide whether to pursue said manufacturer legally under the Trades Description Act 1968 for false claims!)

Second time round I even folded in some chocolate chunks for added interest.  I followed the recipe to the letter.

My Mother In Law called in for a coffee at this stage and suggested I maybe blend the mixture for longer in order that the sponge would be lighter.

They rose beautifully in the oven but, as soon as I removed them, they deflated like poo-coloured balloons.

Hmmm, they do resemble some of the deposits Bertie leaves on the lawn!

Long story short, this was blondie daughter's chocolate birthday muffin hereafter called the 'poo cake' ...

The moral of this story?  Well, on a personal level it is not to EVER make cakes - I stopped enjoying the whole procedure after about ten minutes.  Generally, we can't all be good at everything and wouldn't the world be a boring place if we were?

Now, as you probably know by now, I am not a cake eater.  Perhaps this was a case of 'the flesh being willing but the spirit weak' or even the other way round?  However, hormones dictate that I should devour something extremely chocolatey once a month (it's purely a biological thing!).  So, from now on, I shall vicariously enjoy all you talented deft-fingered cake makers and your creations.  When the need for chocolate cake arises in this household however, I shall stick to Marks & Spencers' Belgian Chocolate Cheesecake which is heaven in a slice!

Ho hum.


PS.  I was awarded 9/10 for taste though! :-)

PPS.  Anybody want an only-used-once silicone muffin tray?


  1. Laughing so much! I have to say, I have had a few disasters like that, and they put me off baking for months! It's REALLY annoying when you go into the whole baking thing with happiness and enthusiasm for it all to turn out pants! it's a love/hate thing with me. Have a super day! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Ha ha - great post! thanks for the Thursday giggle (much needed) xx

  3. Aw Heather!!
    Stick with the cheesecake, that one is soooooo good!
    I don't use silicone simply because the wobble freaks me out, I'm WAY to clumsy for such things and surely the whole point of cases is no cleaning???

    Clearly you must stand up and proudly claim "It's not my area!"

  4. 10 out of 10 for effort my friend! Just edible is great!
    Deb x

  5. This has made me laugh so much, as I have had similar disasters. So nice to see someone in blogland standing up and saying they are not a domestic goddess when it comes to cakes. Yay, not everyone is perfect round here. Thank you for making my day :)

  6. Oh dear, I've had a few Nigella related disasters myself, none since I charity shopped her books though. Nigella's the recipe sabateur who invites you over for dinner, makes a kick ass dessert and when you ask her for the recipe, she changes something while writing it down for you so that your cakes will never be as awesome as hers:) Seriously, I'm not paranoid or maing it up, none of her recipes work properly:)

    Leanne xx

  7. Although now I come to think about it maybe the "Thai Fishcakes" were supposed to smell like cat food. If they were, then that recipe worked ok:)

  8. Ha ha ha ha! oh, a woman after my own heart! Poo cakes, love it! I think we just have to accept that some people are bloody brilliant at making cakes, and others are not so, hum, gifted! xx

  9. I think you should be pleased with yourself for having a go - and the outcome is at least original!!! Your post made me laugh and cheered me up after a rough week xx
    P.S I absolutely, completely most definitely do love your blog Charlie (I mean, Heather!) x

  10. Taste matters more than looks when it comes to cake! I've had to cut the top off cakes when I was, ahem, getting used to a new oven. Have a great weekend.

    p.s. silicone moulds = rubbish

  11. lol I love your poo cake! Don't dispair - try some of my muffin recipes from my blog (the blueberry ones are really easy) and I am sure it will work. Muffins are easy peasy even for me and are really quick to make. Do you have a fan oven, I have heard the non fan ones are hard to bake cakes in - blame the tools that is what I say :-) Don't throw out your muffin tray, try again with some easy muffins first.

  12. Hi Heather! You are just sooo funny! I giggled all the way through this post. Don't despair, I'm sure you're "poo cakes" will be remembered forever by your beautiful little birthday girl! I mean...who could ever forget a "poo cake"! Hee hee hee! :D Have a fun Sunday! Paulette

  13. I say 'Ha' in the face of Nigella! It's not my area either!!!! Lots of love, Amanda xxx

  14. tee hee sounds all so familiar!! and something else familiar is my little girl turned 9 last week as well (the 3rd) tis scary how time flies isnt it!!
    I task Gran with the making of birthday cakes ;-)

  15. 10 /10 for effort though...Life's a little too short isn't it?

    Why not try to make them look like poo in the first place -you've inspired me to blog my poo cakes recipe!

    See soon X

  16. Ha your title made ma laugh out loud and disturb the baby I'm looking after!
    Those silicone things aren't up to much you know.

    By the way, thanks for your comment on my blog the other day. It's a weird position to be in really but everyone has been on my side and v supportive, so I feel a bit better. It's still a massive WTF?!

    Anyway, I have a giveaway on my blog at the mo, so feel free to stick your head through the door and enter.


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