The Biggest Doll

I was sitting on the back door step as the clock neared midnight on the last day of 2017.  Both children were out so it was just me and my cup of tea.  For the very first time in my 46 years on earth, I was to greet the new year alone.

With hindsight, my word for 2017 should have been 'acceptance'.  I had no choice but to accept the huge changes in my life.  I had very little say in any of them.  I spent so much of the year reeling, hurting and panicking.  Clinging on by my bloody fingertips.  I felt tiny, worthless and frightened in a vast, unkind new world.

A few months ago, my counsellor handed me an unpainted Russian Doll.  It was a polished pale wood and felt so beautifully cool and smooth to touch.  I traced its curves with my fingers.  She sat silently as I untwisted and opened it to reveal the smaller doll inside.  I repeated the process until I had six dolls in decreasing sizes, laid neatly out in front of me.  She then asked which doll was me.  Without even thinking, I pointed to the second largest.  "If that one's you" she said, "who is the biggest doll?".  Through rasping sobs I replied, "I don't know anymore."

Of course, to some of you, that whole exercise will sound like psychobabble.  For me though, it was one of the most significant moments of 2017.

You see, it was then I realised that I had to become my own biggest doll.  The master of my own destiny.  The key holder of my own happiness.  The one in charge.  The boss.  It wasn't a vacancy for someone else to fill.  Or the responsibility of anyone else.  I had to assume the role, once and for all.  Hmm, not easy when you doubt even your own name.

Since then, slowly, and mostly without even knowing it, I have been battling forward, getting stronger and building a new world for myself.  I have learnt to allow myself those times when I am overcome with fear or loneliness.  When all I want to do is curl up in a foetal ball and cry about how unfair it all feels.  Or when I want to smash things and scream at the top of my lungs "I can't do this on my own!".  Or when I literally ache to have someone put their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok.  That I will be ok.

Those times pass and I carry on, always moving forward.

So sitting on the doorstep, I reflected on 2017.  Rather than wallow in the fact that I was alone, I concentrated on what I'd achieved ...

And there, in that moment, to the backdrop of squeals and bangs of fireworks heralding the new year, I quietly, and without pomp and ceremony, accepted the role of being my own biggest doll.  And it felt good.  And empowering.

2018, rather than being the year in which I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary, will be the year that I am granted a divorce.  It will also be the year that the ripples of my growth will be felt and the year my voice is heard again.

Oh yes, and my word for 2018?  Strength.

***

I can't describe how your response to my last post affected me.  I must admit, I did run and hide for a while because I felt completely overwhelmed.  If I'm brutally honest, at the time, I don't think I was convinced I was worthy enough of your kindness.  Every single comment felt like an outstretched hand of compassion, empathy and support.  Thank you.  Thank you so very, very much.  I wish you were here; I'd give you the biggest hug.

Really crap things can suddenly happen in life, to any single one of us.  I think the important thing is to be defined not by them but by how we deal with them.  We also mustn't forget that really wonderful things can suddenly happen too.  And that's pretty damned exciting.

1. Hampstead Ditsy mug from Cath Kidston (sadly no longer available).  2. Snowflake Cookie Yankee Candle.  3. Long rose quartz/crescent moon pendant necklace, handmade by me.  4. Moon Deck affirmation cards from Jo, The Moon Journal, totally enabled by Emma, www.potterandbloom.com.  5. Brainless knitting using Debbie Bliss Baby Cashmerino Tonals in shade 'Rose', available in my Etsy shop.

I have a bit of blog spring cleaning to do around these parts but I'll be back again soon, I promise.

xxx

Looking Forward

Christmas is a funny time of year.  It's a time when everything seems amplified somehow.  If you are at one with yourself and surrounded by those that you truly love, it's a magical time.  A day of happy togetherness.  If, for whatever reason, all is not well with your world, it's a real toughie.

We had a quiet one, my children and I.  It was a fitting way to see off a rather tumultuous year I think.

On Boxing Day morning I awoke and felt what I can only describe as a surge of relief.  A 'thank chuff that's over' kind of relief.  High on this welcome lightness of spirit, I de-Christmassed and cleaned like a woman possessed!  Oh but it felt good.

I'm not going to do my usual look back over the year, this year.  There has been far too much sadness which I don't want to dwell on.  Instead, I am choosing to look forward and focus only on the good things that I shall be taking into 2017 ...

♥  My little pink yarn shop, of course, is a very good thing.  Going from being a stay-at-home mum and wife to starting a new business was far harder than it ever should have been I suppose because it coincided with devastation in my personal life.  In all honesty, had I known I was going to have to do it entirely alone, I'm not sure that I would even have entertained the idea.  However, I didn't know, I did do it and here I am, a bona fide yarn shop owner!

♥  Friendship has meant far more to me during 2016 than it ever has.  I'm not normally a great one for turning to other people for emotional help but this year I have felt the need to and those friends have showed me nothing but love and support.  I've also made a lot of new friends this year, some of whom are already quite dear to me.

Talking of friendships, I just had to show you the beautiful patchwork hot water bottle that Jooles made for me.  I cried when I opened it.  I also received a pair of gorgeous crocheted wristwarmers from Sandra.  I adore both girls and their gifts mean so much.

♥  Now this last bit is going to sound very self-congratulatory and I do hope you'll agree that I don't make a habit of blowing my own trumpet but, for once, I feel it is justified.  It has been a difficult year but I'm proud of myself for keeping going when I really doubted whether I could any more.  I'm proud of myself for maintaining my dignity at the times when I could quite easily have not.  I'm proud of achieving what I have despite the odds being stacked firmly against me.  Most of all, I'm proud of the fact that my children are both proud of me.  So you could say I'm pretty proud of myself!

I guess it's true, you really don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

That said, I shall personally be giving 2016 my middle finger as it departs and turning to welcome 2017 with open arms and hope in my heart.  Better things are coming my friends, I just know they are.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your encouragement and kindness over the last twelve months.  I wish you all a very happy, creative and sparkly New Year.

xxx

On Relaxing And Reflecting

I honestly can't remember a more relaxing Christmas-time.

We've spent an obscene amount of time in pyjamas, eating and drinking and being generally totally self-indulgent.  All of which has been played out to a soundtrack of One Direction's new album on repeat and enveloped in a thick fog of One Direction's new perfume.

I've made a few observations over this festive period:-

1.  Nobody likes the gold-wrapped toffee pennies in Quality Street.

2.  Everybody fights over the strawberry and orange cremes in Quality Street.

3.  Wine doesn't always improve with age.  The grand opening, at Christmas lunch, of a 23 year old bottle of Chateau La Jarousse bordeau was a definite anti-climax.  It tasted more like malt vinegar than wine.  My £7 merlot was far more delicious.

4.  I think I've underrated turkey and have resolved to buy it more than once a year.  Not only is it extremely nutritious but it's also incredibly versatile.  We've had it roasted, curried, in sandwiches and, last night, as hot and spicy rissoles.

5.  My husband doesn't look half as attractive with painted toe nails.

6.  I really do cook extremely well when I'm squiffy.

7.  I think I am slightly addicted to the American television programme, Storage Hunters.

8.  My brother-in-law is a bit of a dab hand at digital photography so guess who's been picking his brains?

9.  I'm sick to the back teeth of One Direction music.

This afternoon I've been having a wonderful browse through my 2013 archives.  One of the biggest joys having a blog affords, of course.  Gosh, so many little things I'd forgotten.  I've picked out some of my favourite pictures by way of a little recap.  On reflection, it was a pretty good year I think.  Definitely a colourful one.

I don't know about you, but I tend to get a little bit twitchy about the start of a New Year.  I wonder what the year ahead will hold and find myself dwelling on the negative things that might happen.  Completely silly, I know.  This year I'm going to greet 2014 positively.  It feels good, just saying it, "twenty-fourteen".  Nice and even.  Strong.

So my dear friends, thank you so much for coming to visit me in my little corner of the internet over the past year.  I've enjoyed every single minute.  Let's do it all again next year, shall we?

xxx

Happy New Year!

Thank you for all your kindness and support throughout 2011.  This little place we call Blogland is a total joy and a huge source of inspiration.  My own life would be far less colourful without it.

Here's wishing you all a year full to the brim of happiness and creativity.

I've cracked open a brand new folder and called it 'Blog Photos 2012'.

Bring it on ...

xxx